Oh, glorious, glorious printemps! We welcome you open-armed. The trees festooned with blossom, the birds a-singin' and a-shaggin', the irises shooting up like great purple phalli - it's all very fizzy and springy and lovely here. Apart from the large coil of shit on my doorstep. I am not speaking in metaphors. A rather large poo-shaped heap of...well,poo...has appeared outside. It’s not actually, right on the doorstep, although, if I were to stride out of the door I would be ankle deep in a second or two. When I say ‘someone’, obviously, I don’t mean a human. At least I hope I don’t, for their sakes.
So, I have taken to squinting through the keyhole, hoping to catch a glimpse of the turd litterer. Yes, I know. This makes me sound slightly unhinged. I’m comfortable with that.
I should relax about this.I live in rural France. Faecal matter is their daily bread. Now that is a metaphor, perhaps a little clumsy and Nutella-esque – but I think you get my meaning. Even if I set up a webcam for 24 hour doorstep monitoring, if I caught the culprit brown-pawed and confronted their owner with the evidence, I would only get a gallic shrug in response.
‘It’s a dog. It shits. What can I do about it?’
The very mention of picking it up and disposing of it responsibly, is met with eye-rolls and muttering. I know. I’ve tried it before. The woman asked me if she was supposed to put it in her pocket? I told her I’d prefer she did that than my toddler son put it in his mouth. I got the familiar ‘You mad fucking
English weirdo’ look, and she wandered off, with her shitbag of a pooch.
But it's not just outside my door. It's everywhere. How can I marvel at the beautiful blue sky when my eyes are forever glued to the ground on crap-avoidance duty?
I think I might start going around the village, crapping outside people’s doors. You know…make a point…and a mess. Start a debate. What do you think? Is it a plan?
Friday, 20 March 2009
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12 comments:
Oh that is revolting, isn't it?
Isn't it against the law in France to allow a pet to poo everywhere? Obviously not.
Its against the law to let any one/thing poo on English pavements but someone does it in our road and there's never any one to catch them. I swear I will take a photo of the culprit one day! I think they do it early.
I will get the photo blown up and leave it for everyone to see. Maybe that is the answer. Shame the messy blighters!
What you need Mya is an 18' electric fence with CCTV. And anti-personnel mines. And tripwires connected to body-heat detectors that are in turn connected to automatic-seeking crossbows. In fact, just forget the preamble and buy a crossbow, a modern carbon-fibre hunting job. Then make it known you've got the tool for the job and I'm pretty sure the locals will stop their dogging, erm, dog from crapping on your property. And if that doesn't work, send the bastard home with a crossbow bolt through one of its hind legs.
But is that a price you're prepared to pay for a shit-free zone in what is, after all, almost a first-world country?
It seems harsh doesn't it? I suppose there's another solution. How about... if you know who owns the shitter you package up the shit and drop it through their letterbox?
I think it's a good idea Mya. In fact - I think gathering it up and then spreading the wealth on all the dogowner's steps is the perfect plan. It's something I would do I know.
Here it's the law - pick it up. Thank God! Still - I have a fence and a gate that I keep closed - no shitting dogs in my yard!
You should gather the dog shit in a brown paper bag and put it on the dog owner's doorstep, put the paper bag on fire and then ring the door bell and run like hell.
We have the same problem in Paris. And the French allow dogs into restaurants! I was once in a restaurant and the woman's dog at the next table shat on the ground. No one seemed that fussed but I moved tables to the far side of the restaurant. Everyone thought I was the odd one.
No joking but my word veri is:
dogibl
whatever that means.
With a clothes peg on your nose, and wearing rubber gloves, collect the offending mess on a flexible spatula. When nobody's looking squish it into the front door keyhole of the owner, and if possible into the lock on their car door, too. Then carefully wipe off any tell-tale residue. Try to be there to watch when they put their keys into the locks. :-)
'Mind the poo! Mind the poo!' I spend a large part of my life in France screeching that at my kids. I've even taken to screeching it at complete strangers. Nothing worse than poo. However, having acquired a dog, it's not much fun scooping warm poo into a nappy bag either. Nothing about poo is funny.
Pigx
What you must do is this:-
Find a dog turd (from what you say, this shouldn't be too difficult).
Put it in a paper bag (you're allowed to use rubber gloves).
Take it to the house of the offending dog owner. Bring matches.
Put it on the doorstep.
Light the paper bag.
Ring the doorbell.
Leave.
Hopefully you'll be able to hide somewhere and watch as the dirty dog owner stamps out the burning paper bag, and gets the contents all over his slippers.......
Just noticed The Finely Tuned Woman has already suggested the same naugtiness, but I think you could probably get away with it twice anyway.
Maggie,
Yes, it's revolting. Maybe I should start a revolution....hang on a minute....I'm getting a bit of deja vu...!
Bloody hell Brennig! I wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of you!
Aims,
Yeuk! I'm not sure I want to get so close to it...you know...pick it up...
FTW,
Pure genius... perfectly wicked.
Dumdad,
Oh my God. Ha ha. You've got to laugh, haven't you? I can believe that...dogs are treated better than kids over here...not the working dogs, the farm dogs etc. but the horrible little lap rats with the squashy faces....no...I've tried hard to like them, but I just can't do it.
Susie,
You describe it all so clearly...is this an instruction manual written from personal experience? Inspired.
Pig,
Oh I know, it's my constant mantra too. It isn't what I'd hoped for when I moved to this idyllic beautiful backwater...I'd hoped I might be concentrating on more elevated themes!
Swearing Mother,
Hello!
Thankyou for your clear and concise instructions - the mention of the slippers really did it for me.Lovely.
Mya x
Sorry Mya. I've spent too long behind enemy lines. :)
That is gross. I hate that people dpn't pick up after their pooches. When I brought my girls to see our new house for the first time we had to walk past a large crusty looking turd. Disgusting.
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