Alienated

I’ve been abducted by aliens. Just in case you were wondering where I was.

Am.

Yoo-hoo!

I’m here. Looking down on earthykins from the spacepod I’m sharing with my rather leathery complexioned companions – they’re dark grey, bucktoothed quadrupeds. It’s a bit like travelling on a brake-fucked mini bus with a load of dermatologically troubled rabbits. It smells stuffy. Like the inside of a packet of Monstermunch.

Hurtling through space with a bunch of aliens has its drawbacks. For a start, internet cafes are like rocking horse shit.

Incoming!

Hence the lack of radio contact. Don’t worry about me. I am being fed well on …erm…stuff. I suspect they are conducting experiments on me, or they might just be tickling me. Not sure. I have been informed they will release me soon, before the next series of Star Academy begins (phew!) Their leader, a rather camp Hell’s Angel /Bugs Bunny hybrid tells me the planet-like dimensions of my buttocks are being assessed for asteroid deflection suitability. Apophis is creeping ever closer and a solution has to be found. If I have to sacrifice a piece of my arse to save the universe, I will. What’s another crater?

Will you please stop doing that?..It's disgusting...Vile creature...