Shagged out

Despite being wholly appreciative of your input, and in awe of your greater experience (in just about every arena)…perhaps asking you lot about the sex scene wasn’t such a great idea. Whilst I value greatly your opinions on the subject and your erudition (Dumdad, I can’t thank you enough for beaver-cleaver) I think I have now become authorially frigid. I cannot put a single erotic word down on paper without wondering whether or not it will pass muster. I have clammed up.My mental legs are tightly crossed - and it's bloody painful, I can tell you. My phwoar-writing muscles have constricted catastrophically. You get the picture.

I did start. My heroine got to the bit where she was about to drop her knickers guard and leap astride the handsome geezer, when she suddenly went all Babs Cartland, started swooning and demanding assurances that he would respect her come morning. It was spectacularly dreadful. If I hadn’t deleted it for shame, I would have posted it for your delectation. For the moment, I have totally bottled out and moved on to another,less challenging scene.

Watch this space. I will be updating you on the struggles with my inner porn-Queen in due course. And possibly asking for acceptable names for female parts.

Lunarially speaking (don’t look it up) my moon gardening calendar tells me it’s a good day for sticking in carrots. You can take that how you like.

I actually took my camera out with me to take pics of snails a-shagging. But could I find any? Could I feckers like. The searing heat that is blistering the paint on the shutters and melting the road outside, has clearly evapourated the necessary lubricant required for snail sauce. I saw one lone snail, dangling hopefully from a leggy weed – I think he was masterbating. Or maybe it was his tongue hanging out. Anyway…there were too many people around…I didn’t want them asking awkward questions.

For the record, my favourite term for the male appendage was/is cock. I can't help being a slapper. Of course, I know that context is everything, and that if I were writing a gardening novella, for example, it would be inappropriate to write: 'Stella gasped as the sweating horticulturalist emerged from the glasshouse, slightly breathless. She gazed wide-eyed at the bounty he held proudly before her, suddenly realising all that gossip at the WI was true...he had a magnificent rhubarb stalk penis.' That would be ridiculous. In that instance, you would obviously use the word tool.