I don’t know if it’s the wet weather. Or the time of year. Or the fact that I’m just noticing it more, because I have sex on the mind. But, I have noticed …something.
The snails are really going at it like rabbits, if you’ll excuse the atrocious mix of natural world metaphors.
On fence posts they cluster in their hundreds like barnacles, oozing and crunching against each other in a fevered (for snails) orgy of escargot erotica. Perhaps, being a regular on the French menu focuses their minds, compells them to slime on out there and procreate. Perhaps, along with their shells atop, they also feel the burden to keep the species alive.
Whatever.
I will snap a photo if I happen upon one of these filthy fifty-up snail shagathons when I’m armed with the camera. A bit of snail porn for you. That should bring the freaks out.
Further to my previous post, I have been ruminating and cogitating on the writing of the sex scene. I am having a little problem with nomenclature. I know not to use thrusting manhood, because Nunhead Mum of One says so. And she seems like the sort of woman who would know when is the right time to employ a thrusting manhood…and when not. I am not to use ‘pet names’ like willy, or zizi or tiddler (?) This advice comes from Non,Je ne regrette rien. And of course, my dear mate Brennig Jones encouraged me to 'peer review' my work. Well, this is a bit like that...in a loose sense. I can’t do a proper poll where you all vote, but if you respond in the comments box, it will point me in the right direction…so to speak.
1.Phallus
2.Penis
3.Love pump
4.Todger
5.Knob
6.Cock
7.Truncheon
8.Sausage
9.Prick
10.Tool
I have a firm (very firm, Mrs) favourite. But I’d like to know which you are most comfortable with, if any…and which ones you find offensive, ridiculous…and of course, which ones aren’t on the list which should be. And while you’re at it. Do you know the collective noun for orgasm?
Tuesday, 17 June 2008
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24 comments:
There are so many names. Here's a few:
todger, dong, John Thomas, one-eyed trouser snake, beaver cleaver, fun truncheon, knob etc etc.
#6, please. Cock it is.
oh, and on the others. with the exception of penis, they don't appeal. Here in the states, we also like "dick" and "package" (as in he's got a nice package, there) but you wouldn't use package in a sex scene, don't think. No, "he rammed her with his package" just doesn't cut it. As far as orgasmic nouns, well ... come and came do nicely. I like the straightforward terms, remember, so allegorical usage of terms such as fireworks, bells ringing, angels singing and the like just really won't do.
Cock. Crowing away like a good 'un. Oh yes. :-)
Umm... what was the other thing?
Oh yes.
Collective noun for orgasm.
I think it was referred to as an orgasmus in Barbarella - which was the celluloid equivalent of a text book to me, as a pimply youth. Imagine my disappointment when life turned out not to be all fall-off-if-you-look-too-hard clothing and multiple orgasms and shags with Jane Fonda. By the way, the baddie in that film was called Durrand-Durand, just thought I'd point that out.
A gasp...? A clutch...? A breath...? A sigh...?
See how female I'm being here?
But to revert to my true gender for just a moment... The best collective noun I know is for a gathering of MPs: a bunch of c*nts.
:-)
'Ang on tho...
Doesn't the name of the male member depend on the context?
I mean, a collier from County Durham would probably use cock. Dawn French would refer to it as Todger and the Archbishop of Canterbury would probably use Richard.
Context, context, context. :-)
Are you trying to drive up traffic to your site, Mya? Because this seems like a fantastic way to do it...
Personally I always prefer the obvious 'penis' (so to speak), but if you do decide to go for truncheon, please use the full term, which I believe to be 'luuuuurve truncheon'.
Thankyou.
(And is it a 'rush' of orgasams? Have I said too much?)
It won't surprise you to know that I'm more comfortable with the word penis than anything else. Knob (for me) is more of a derogative term as in "he's a bit of a knob", cock always makes me think of anything written by Jilly Cooper (especially when you use the word "one" as in "one's cock")
Tool.....hm, dodgy in many ways. But am loving Dumdad's "beaver cleaver"
Mac calls his a "winkle" if that's any help. Cos I know I haven't been much use!
Love pump? Since when has a man's penis been called a love pump?
I really think you have to go with "cock" here. Any other (apart from Penis, but that's a bit biological) is going to sound a bit silly.
(This is a weird mental discussion to be having 20 minutes after I've woken up)
Lick my lovepump.
Sorry, I couldn't resist.
And how about pork sword? A miss of food and weapon? No?
Hmmm, I'd go with penis or cock then.
And a glut of orgasms could be called erm, a wet patch, a shudder, a howl, erm, is this helping?
And I definitely want to see the snail shagfest. Hilarious post lovely Mya.
I am way too repressed to talk about anything like that. Except in reference to tortoise. And that was medical.
You forgot the obvious sweetie...
erection.
plain and simple.
He slid his erection into .....
From yours tho? I like cock, penis, member is good too. Throbbing member is better with veins that pumped as she watched fascinated....
a propos snails, barnacles and sex - did you know that barnacles have the longest penises in the animal kingdom? Relative to their size of course.
And I think I agree with context, context, context...
oh dear, they are all so bad, but prick is better than most...oh but i'm being swayed by Je ne regrette rien, it could be cock.
Please can you NEVER write about her 'private silky hair', i once had the misfortune to read that in a 'book' and it fair turns my stomach.
eeeewww, even now it still turns my stomach.
i think it might be a 'sluice' or 'sluicing' of orgasms.
Pigx
Go with SAUSAGE, staying with a food theme...throw in some oozing and crunching too (hot and slimy snail action)
As for BRENNIG offerring to "peer review" your work....I've never heard it called THAT, before...
I like BRENNIG's "orgasmus" suggestion, except it sounds like a Roman general...Bigus Dicus and all that...
Oh no, HOT MEAT INJECTION, I just remembered that...(sorry, Ill stop commenting now, my hormones seem to be out of control)
Gosh, I'm shocked!!
I had to move my blog. I hope you'll come to see me. Love, Nora.
http://brightandsunny.wordpress.com/
Well........ I am not going to join in........ except to say, I rolled about laughing!
I read a book that used the word "member". He thrust his member into....." Well that was odd!
I think you need to visit "Crazy Cath" Her url is on my blog. Scroll down till you see the appropriate two posts. You will find snails and well you will find summat else!!!!!!!!!!
Dumdad,
Beaver-cleaver - so bad it's brilliant.Thankyou!
JNRR,
I agree. You can't beat cock. Well...erm...I'll just shut up there. And how on earth did I manage to forget dick?
Brennig,
Another vote for cock. I love your collective noun for the MPs! Did you know Jane Fonda speaks really good French? Horny huh?
Potsy,
Penis sounds a bit technical to me.A rush of orgasms...I like that. Who wouldn't?!
Nun,
Winkle?Oh that's so cute! Didn't Nursey use that term in Blackadder, too? Perhaps before your time.
Amy,
Another vote for cock. Hoorah. Love pump is in pretty general use - so my Granny tells me.
Jo,
Where does 'Lick my love pump' come from? I can't remember. Do tell!
Jaywalker,
Oh, go on.
Aims,
Crikey! Veins...throbbing....I need to sit down and drink a glass of water.
Guinea Pig Mum,
Thankyou for elevating the discussion somewhat, and introducing an interesting and little known fact about barnacle cocks. Lovely.
Pig,
'private silky hair' - I'm going to use that. It's so bad, it's good. 'Sluicing' of orgasms...sounds messy.
Screamish,
No. I don't think sausage will work, really. Perhaps it's one of your pregnancy yearnings...but as I said before...
And HOT MEAT INJECTION. Makes me think of kebabs, spinning on those spikes, dripping fat. I'm gonna vom...
Frog in the field,
Oops. Avert your eyes!
Hi Nora,
I'll come and visit soon. X
Maggie,
Member is a funny one, isn't it? Member of what? The Boy Scouts? Tufty Club?
Mya x
Oh lord, what's a nice girl like me doing in a blog like this...
The 'package' comment made me laugh. I suppose it could be applicable if it's referring to the UPS delivery man making a special... (wink)... delivery...
(Barbara Cartland always started using ...s all over the place when she wrote her chaste little romances.)
One spam email that slipped through the filters referred to the organ in question as a "little soldier of love," which also cracked me up.
Can I throw in a link here? The Romance Heroine's Don'ts List had some classics, such as "Never have sex with a hero who has a "velvet covered manhood" because of the annoying lint this would create."
http://www.jennycrusie.com/trivia/heroine.php
I have to put in a plea here for single barrel pump action yoghurt rifle, don't ask me how I came up with it, I didn't. Don't ask me who did, because I'll regret marrying him. MH
PS, what do you mean plural of orgasm. You mean you can have more than one? MH
MH: You can have as many as you like. :-)
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