The hatchet-faced bitch in the boulangerie has got it in for me. Two days running she has deliberately given me the smallest pain au raisin in the shop. When Spouse goes in, she's all smiles, he gets a whopping pain au chocolat and a sweet bon journee into the bargain.
But not me.
When I plucked up the courage and asked in my haltingly hesitant French 'Could I have that one please?' pointing rather desperately at the huge Arnie of a pain au raisin at the front of the glass cabinet - she snapped; 'They are all the same weight, you know' chucked the tiddliest, tiddler in a paper bag, and threw it at me. Scowling.
So now I'm having wild fantasies about beating her to death with a stale baguette. Is that wrong?
Thursday, 15 May 2008
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15 comments:
voila ce qu'il faut dire: ecoute petasse, tu me donne cette putain de pain au raisin, ou je le fous ou le soleil ne brille pas, bordel.
that should do it.
Pigx
husband adds: 'espace de boulangere de merde'
There, you're good to go.
Pigx
Maybe a little bit obsessive, but that is what village life does to you, it breeds contempt.
Wrong? Wrong?
Hell no.
Kit yourself out with the Arnie-esque leather jacket, the boots, the shades... walk in.
No.
Kick the door off its frame, splintering wood and glass all over the floor.
Point a finger at the entire tray and thrust a small bag...
No.
Point a finger at the entire tray, grunt meaningfully and thrust a post office sack at her.
Once she's filled it, leave without paying.
And if you don't do any of these things, at least fantasise over doing them. It's release therapy, a technique that's tried, tested and well respected in the psychological world. I know I don't practise but I am qualified. Trust me.
Strange, isn't it, how every so often you meet a failed abortion like that, when most French are so pleasant. There were two locally, the mayor's secretary and the woman who ran the local mini-market. Always hostile and rude. After a year of trying to get on with them, I gave up, stopped smiling, stopped "Bonjouring" them, just rudely stated my business and glared. Remarkable and instant result - they almost fell over backwards to please. Give PITK's approach a try, you've nothing to lose - except the biggest pain au raisin.
La salooooope! The Pig has the right approach here. She is sensing your weakness. Sometimes naked aggression is the only way.
Is it the only boulangerie in the village? It's also fairly standard practice to harbour an extreme vendetta against your local commerce and to have to go miles out of your way to avoid it. If all else fails you can try that approach and console yourself with the thought you've gone totally native?
Not wrong Mya, totally acceptable. No judge in the land would convict you.
Mya, she sounds evil and she's after your man. Get him to buy the raisin cakey thing next time and see what he gets, then you go in and see what you get, then you can weigh them, prove her wrong and stuff the heaviest one up her nose. Tsk.
The women in boulangeries are experts at hitting you full in the face with their silent scorn when you've just woken up and your French is at its worst.
Try speaking English very loudly and pointing persistently until she gives in.
No, she deserves everything she gets. Small pains aux raisins are definitely mitigating circumstances when it comes to murder.
I'm sure they're called 'batons' for a reason.
Bludgeoned by Bread in Boulangerie. Whadda way to go.
Perfectly justifiable, I should think!
Actually, I think you should stand your ground. YOU are the CUSTOMER.
Learn the French for I will not leave this shop until I get what I want! You probably know how to say that! Don't be messed about! Maybe I should come over & sort her out!
You'd be let off for a crime of passion. Go get her!
Stab her with a "Parisse" - see my blog and all will be clear!
Pig,
I thank you for your French eloquence. I read this out aloud, and young Sprog's ears pricked up. Shan't be doing that again! I'll write it on a card and shove it in the old boot's face next time I'm in there.
Thanks Mr Pig!
Norah,
Yes, it's true. Although, the village I live in is too small for anything as upmarket as its own boulangerie - we get a van delivery. The fact that we have to drive to the boulangerie in a bigger village, only adds to the insult. Pah!
Brennig,
I tried this - over and over. And it really helped. Especially kicking the door off its frame - that felt so good!
Susie,
I am going to be so belligerent, you wait. And if I get in trouble, I'll just say Susie and Pig said it was OK!
Jaywalker,
Naked agression? I wasn't planning on going that far. But if you think it might do the trick...
Nun,
Thankyou! And it means a lot coming from a woman who holds baked goods in such high esteem.
Jo,
Ha ha. Up her nose? You are so refined! And do you really think she's after him? Crikey...not that I'm worried or anything...just hope he can run fast enough.
Beta Mum,
Hello stranger! Nice to see you!Loud and English - yes, I can do that.
SG,
Good.So I can count on you as a character witness?
Jen,
Blimey - I can just see the banner headline in The Sun 'Bludgeoned by Bread in Boulangerie by Barking Brit Bird'. I have to do it now.
Maggie,
Oh where do I start? The concept of 'customer service' is very foreign to the French. They think it's a mad Rosbif lie.
MOB,
I'm on my way! Thanks for your support!
Dumdad,
I have seen your beautiful 'Parisse', and have admired it muchly. I did try to comment, but for some reason kept getting rejected - the story of my life. However, it looks like the perfect weapon for the job!
Mya x
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