Losing my cherry

I could feel the little blighter, pushing upwards into the pale linen of my skirt. I wriggled, trying to set it free. This was going to be messy. The coiled lanes of our locale necessitate two hands on steering wheel duty at all times. None of this handsfree, answer-yer-phone, eat-yer-burger, mascara-yer-lashes mullarkey - that would be suicidal. No. I would have to wait for an opportune moment to set the lumpy little devil free.

I steal a glance in the rear view mirror. Sprog is grinning back at me. His face is dark purple, smeared with cherry juice. He looks like an extra from Little Lord Fauntleroy Chainsaws Peasants. He farts long and loud. Eggs for lunch.

Jerome, the sculptor, appears up ahead, thumbing it. I slow the car and he jumps in. His nose twitches. Sprog's fart is loitering. I want to tell him it isn't me. But that seems somehow disloyal to Sprog, who would certainly see it as maternal treachery...and a bit desperate on my part. Why should I give a flying fuck if he thinks I do eggy farts or not?

There is a bag of dark scarlet Duke cherries between the front car seats. We picked them ourselves, yesterday. I tell Jerome to help himself. I tell him we have eaten enough cherries to last us until next year. I tell him I must stop eating them in the car because I have just dropped one on the seat and I am now sitting on it. I tell him once I start, I can't stop -(eating cherries.) I tell him I have never eaten a cherry clafoutis. I tell him if life were really a bowl of cherries, frankly, I'd be pissed off. Too many cherries have loosened my vowels. He stares ahead, chasing the cherry around his mouth with his tongue.

I nearly drive off the road. Sprog shrieks with delight.

We get to school. Jerome stays in the passenger seat, spitting pips out of the open window.It is a deeply unattractive image.

Sprog falls out of the car, a whirl of bags and coat and skinny legs. He gleefully announces I have red juice stains on the back of my skirt. And demands if I have been sitting on a cactus? Oh...the mirth...

Anyone got any surefire stain removal tips - or shall I just dye the whole thing red?