How can I be experiencing a craving so specific?
If I don’t get a slice soon, I’ll go beserk.
My yearning. Longing. Deep need… is for...
coffee and walnut cake.
I think this is called homesick. Or hungry. Either way, it’s a bit odd to be overcome by such a powerful want.
And it’s not just now, at this moment. I had it all day yesterday, too.
The coffee and walnut cake for which I clamour is not the cellophane wrapped, strip- lit, rubberware on offer at the supermarkets.
No…it’s the crumbly, moist slice of heaven served up at a Women’s Institute Market. Preferably in a draughty village hall in an unspecified home county, with matronly, large bosommed old dears extolling the virtues of their Quince Jam and Lemon Curd.
And the cake? It should be clad in smooth, tan icing, scattered with walnut halves that resist the bite...just enough.
Am I a pervert?
I live in France, the home of good scran, where food is religion, and if you don't believe, you're eyed with suspicion. They invented Gateau aux Noix, created the edible orgasm that is Galette a la creme de Noix. And coffee is a serious business over here. Don't even ask for one, if you're not up to wincing through an espresso with the big boys. Yep, I'm living in the ground zero of gastronomy...and I want a sodding coffee and walnut cake.
Honestly. I give up with me sometimes.
Oh, and while I’m having these pointless, shameful and rather smutty food fantasies –I’ll gorge on a Melton Mowbray pork pie, too.
Virtually, of course.
Just glancing at the Melton Mowbray Pork Pie Association website, I can feel a pithy, Northern screenplay writing itself in my subconscious. You know the kind of thing, The Full Monty… but with even more pork…
Here's the pitch...
In the dirty fight to attain PGI status (that's Protected Geographical Indication - personally I think PIG would work better, but I don't want to step on anyone's trotters) for his delicious Melton Mowbray pies, professional Northerner, Sean Bean, will stop at nothing.
Impressively chisel-jawed (considering his pie consumption) he takes on the European Commission zealots resisting his attempts to preserve the traditional pie, and way of life of Melton Mowbray. Into this meaty double-hander walks young upstart pie- impressario, David Tennant (or John Simm/Daniel Craig/Neil Glenister- take your pick of GN thesps.) He has his heart set on two things. PGI recognition for his modern take on the Melton Mowbray pie, (Dill? In a pork pie? The man’s insane!) and Sean’s beautiful daughter, Pia (Kate Beckinsale - Miss Lardy Piecrust 2006). I need a bit of help with GN actresses...I'm a bit out of the loop over here, you know. Any suggestions?
Anyway...the war of the pies kicks off. Crumbs start to fly. Gritty Northern grimacing, stone-faced threats and swollen biceps ensue. The film climaxes in a tense chase through a mechanically recovered meat plant. Who will get their just desserts? Will the jagged teeth of the pastry-cutter whirr painfully through Bean’s dreams? Or will Tennant’s hopes of pie-supremacy end up locked in aspic and water-crust for evermore? Will Pia escape from the lips and arseholes bucket? Can I sneak in a boy ballet dancer without anyone noticing? How will fate slice it all up?
Working title - Pie Hard. Do you think the Coens could be interested?
And that reminds me…as usual, I am being a total flake with my blog maintenance. A Spring shape-up is in order…and I promise to stick up all my beautiful new awards soon. And I’ll be putting them on the blog too.
Boom boom!
I’m in the middle of delicate negotiations with an artisan bijoutier.He is having last minute reservations about loaning me a pair of 2 million euro diamond encrusted wellies for the awards ceremony. He is concerned his beloved boots will become encrusted with other ‘matter.’ Given this environment, he has a valid point. If he pulls out at the last minute, a quick dash to Defi Mode will be in order. In disguise, of course.
13 comments:
Pie Hard! Love it! How about Pie Another Day? Pie Encounter? From Pie to Eternity? The Man With The Golden Pie? Pie Quest (I heard a funny on R1 today for Galaxy Quest so I'm allowed to use it, it's the law)? Oh, Oh, Oh what a Lovely Pie? (that's enough pie puns, ed).
Anyway, repeat after me:
Carrot cake not walnut cake; carrot cake not walnut cake; carrot cake not walnut cake; carrot cake not walnut cake; carrot cake not walnut cake....
You are full of humor and irony and that is the understatement of today. Leave it to you to come up with the most silly scenarios and the most
funny blog subjects. You always leave me with a smile or two. I bet that you write the word sarcasm with a capital S.
But is there a role for Frances McDormand, too? That might sweeten the pot for the Coens. Or you could combine it with the Twin Peaks character with the pie fetish.
Start looking for dresses. You've only got a year.
Can we have Philip Glenister please? I love him so. He is my (not so) secret crush.
I'm with Bren (well, obv) on the carrot cake not walnut cake, although the picture did stir some rumblings within...mmmm...butter icing...
My word verification is foodporn.
Is there, perchance, a role in Pie Hard for Ray Winstone? He could be a ruthless somebody or other who is intent on ensuring that his Scotch Egg empire rules the world one day? Plus, he matches Mr Bean smoulder for smoulder which is an added bonus......
I'm buying some on Thursday in the village table-top sale (sorry, that's the cake, not the pork pie) and I will think of you as I take the first bite. Sorry, that is probably torture, isn't it?! Write that screenplay...
Homesickness does odd thing to gastronomy. I really miss Wagon Wheels. Wagon Wheels for heaven's sake! Most blogging expats seem fixated with Marmite, but for me, it's Wagon Wheels. And decent bread.
Keira Knightley needs a role in your film. She needs to put some meat on those bone of hers, and I don't think you are actually allowed to make a film these days without her in it.
I wish you hadn't mentioned pork pies. Now I can't think of anything better to eat....
Mya
Delia has a great recipe for coffee and walnut cake. The link is too long to fit in here, but if you Google "coffee and walnut cake recipe, it's first to come up.
Roll up your sleeves and get baking. Send us all a great big slice. :-)
Leave me out for the pork pie, though.
Brennig,
Carrot cake, not walnut cake. Hmmm...but that's a whole other obsession started. I'm just going to track some down and eat the buggers.
SI,
You say the sweetest things. Glad I raise a smile or two, that's what I'm aiming for (and usually miss hopelessly, I know!)
RC,
Frances Mc Dormand...do you think she'd prefer pie filler or pen pusher?
Hi Soph!
Philip Glenister - THAT'S who I mean. Not Neil. Duh.
Nun,
Yes, Mr Winstone would be mighty fine as a Scotch Egg magnate. I'll call his agent.
Hannah,
I think that's a bit cruel. Was it stale, with the texture of styrofoam? (she asks, hoepfully...)
Iota,
Keira Knightly. OK. Got it. Do you think she can do GN? And you're right, all that pie-eating will probably do her good.
Dumdad,
Did you manage to find one?
Susie,
I've checked out the recipe, thankyou! - I've seen, I've drooled, but I haven't tasted yet. I'm working on that bit.
Mya x
I think you might be up the duff, that's why you want the cake. What say you?
The wellies, really? 2 million euros...what if one falls off? (diamond, not welly)
Pigx
Mya, I can't think of any good northern actresses either. There must be some, but I can think of nary a one. But I would like some Coffee and Walnut Cake. We have a fab delhi down our road. I might nip and get some. If you want me to send you some, you know I will. :D
Homesickness does odd thing to gastronomy. I really miss Wagon Wheels. Wagon Wheels for heaven's sake! Most blogging expats seem fixated with Marmite, but for me, it's Wagon Wheels.
You are not alone, I sell just as many Wagon Wheels as I do Marmite.
I think that Marmite is just a very iconic food brand that kick starts the brain into thinking of goodies from home.
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