Bowing to popular demand

Warning: The following post contains challenging, cheese-related imagery and writing so sensual and erotic, you’d be well advised to have an armed ice bucket handy.

Doing the Dairylea.

Take one pair of lady-pants. Large, elasticated, plasticised.

Pull them on slowly and suggestively, maintaining eye contact with your audience at all times.

Slide fingers under elastic.

Twang.

Pull pants up high as you can – you are Simone Cowell.

Tip a round carton of Dairylea cream cheese triangles (foil removed) down front and back of pants.

Place carton on head. Wink saucily.

Climb daintily onto dinner table (discreetly check beforehand it is man enough to take your weight – you wouldn’t want to make a fool of yourself)

Do six squat jumps – feel the squidge, girlfriend.

Grab your crotch like Michael Jackson and whimper ‘Ooh’ a lot.

Throw yourself onto your back and cycle with your legs.

Swig your drink. Run cheesey fingers through your hair. Enjoy the jaws dropping all around you.

Work that body. Shakira learnt everything she knows from you. You are the Goddess of cheese. The ultimate cheese-broad. Everyone wants a slice of you. To fondue you. Sit you on their cocktail stick with pineapple. Melt you over toast. Gratin you. Good and hard.

Your audience are throwing tokens of appreciation at you.

Crackers. Rusks. Water biscuits. Slide them down your pants.

Do some scissor jumps.

Reject oatcakes. Porridge pants lack sexual allure.

Keep your eye on the happy-clappy-arse-slappy vicar in the corner. He has a glowing smooth head, an earring and suspiciously voluminous trousers.

He’s shouting something at you. He wants to convert you. Spread your buttocks with Philadelphia.

That's a tad pervy.

Make a Boursin sandwich.

So's that.

He’s moving in on you, getting closer to the table.

Reach down for your weapon of choice.

Babybels.

Take aim.

Pelt the padre. Good and hard.

Enjoy.

That’s how it happened, folks.

Sort of.

Or was it a dream? Cheese can do that to you, you know.

Tips: I danced the Dairylea to Sophie B Hawkin’s classic ‘I Touch Myself’. However, anything by Petula Clark would also work well. Avoid Austrian smoked, or any other sausage shaped cheese – tacky. Cheeses flavoured with chilli - they're hot - but not in a good way. Don’t leave it too long before you have a bath afterwards, cracker crumbs are real crevice creepers. Confiscate all cameras, phones and video equipment before you start. If you are a cheese-fetishist thinking of contacting me – please don’t.